self-realization

It’s not the best feeling when you realize that you’re in your 40s and haven’t really accomplished much. Especially when you are someone who values accomplishment.

Now, that doesn’t mean you feel guilt or shame or feel as if you haven’t done anything with your life. Of course, you have. You have done BIG things: had children, raised children, married, divorced, returned to college, obtained certified knowledge. But there’s still a stillness inside you that feels like it should be called a void.

I wonder how many folks who have survived serious trauma, especially from childhood, get to a point of healing and then feel really annoyed. I’m going to share my own annoyance: I had to learn how to be a healthy person. I had to learn how to think in healthy ways, have healthy expectations of others, enforce healthy boundaries, and love myself. I had to learn how to resist the temptation of toxicity and dysfunction. This has been such a compelling and consuming occupation that I am now in my 40s and that’s really all my human resumé shows.

Xaka became a regular human being.

That’s the summary of my success on this planet. And, trust me, it’s a big deal. I recognize that. I come from people who normalize trauma and violence and narcissism to such a degree that I had no idea life without those things was even possible. I’d never met non-toxic people, non-dysfunctional people. And, if I had, I certainly lacked the skills to engage them. I was usually afraid and distrustful of anyone who didn’t emit an aura of predation or narcissism.

The final nail in the casket of a life of dysfunction was when I found myself divorced from a sociopath/psychopath who was allowed to keep harming me. After he tried to kill me and I developed PTSD and he was allowed to gain physical custody of our children by lying on me to everyone he could find, I realized that I was stuck in a horror of a life and I had to figure out how to survive, how to truly live. This sparked such a dedication to healthy thinking and living that I had to change everything about my existence.

But, no one tells you that changing everything about your existence leaves you incredibly alone. I’m sure that is partially because too few people take on this challenge. I’ve met and counseled and befriended 100s of people who were more willing to continue to navigate the dysfunction and toxicity than to totally revamp their lives. Not too many of us want to be totally healthy. Totally healthy people are boring. And, I think…lonely.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m boring. I’m not. But, I do talk about things that many others consider boring. I don’t talk about toxic television show characters as if they’re worthy of recognition, because I’d prefer to discuss spiritual masters. I don’t focus upon toxic societal tendencies in ways that promote the normalization and acceptance of the victim-abuser story format, because I recognize that we are all powerful people who have the ability to create beautiful lives together and I accept responsibility for my role in any ugliness that’s present in my world.

In a world looking for a savior, I decided that being saved was for those who didn’t truly understand what Life is about. I don’t want to be saved or safe; I want to be healthy and loved. I operate from the assumption that if I have a healthy and loving perspective, healthy and loving things and people will gravitate toward me. This has proven to be true over and over in my life.

But what about all that I’ve walked away from to be this healthy and loving?

Yeshua stated that if folks wanted to follow him, they had to leave everything behind.All their loved ones, all their material possessions. He encouraged them to pick up their cross and follow him. The cross has always been a symbol of Life. Yeshua told people to pick up their lives and follow him. His message wasn’t about death, except in the way that the end of old ways is a death. Being his disciple was quite challenging and, of course, not everyone handled it with grace. He knew it was hard and that’s why he was so forgiving of betrayal. Not everyone can handle the pressure of living their divine rights of health, love, and abundance.

I often ponder the loneliness of divine or true leadership. In order to hold space for others, you have to be able to hold more space than the folks around you. It’s not that this is hard, it’s just that it’s isolating. When Atlas carries the world on his shoulders, who is supporting Atlas? The one who can hold more space is rarely allowed to shrink down and perhaps wouldn’t want to if she could. Why choose to be smaller than one is? Why choose to argue with reality?

What I wonder is what happens when the space holders convene. Perhaps the only true companions of space holders can be other space holders. And, what happens when you have a bunch of space holders holding space together?

Perhaps new worlds are born. I imagine that is the heaven Yeshua often referenced.

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