mijas

I admit that I don’t have the best track record with my daughters at age 8. They seem to bloom into hormonal rage at the drop of a hat and I return the volley to the best of my abilities. Afterward, sometimes in the midst, I am shocked by my own vitriol.

Then, they cry. And, I want to cry, too, but I can’t show weakness or maybe the tenuous grasp I have on the ability to influence them disintegrates. I am stuck in an age-old vortex of confusion and they are warriors, like me. It could be a fight to the death.

So, I bend. I bend and wind around them like an invasive vine, wrapping them in my arms, disguising myself as every ounce of love I carry for them.

The mother-daughter connection sometimes feels as if it will snap in two, yet it endures. And, as I bring my daughter back into the space of her first earthly home, love envelopes us both.

They say Sekhmet, they say Kali was so enraged that they had to intoxicate her through the blood to bring her back to her senses. Perhaps that is the patriarchal re-telling. It’s more likely that her daughters grabbed onto her waist, tightened their grasp in a fit of love, and the rage simply left her body.

Daughters are the antidote to everything that ails a mother.

you are

Sometimes, a love in your life feels overwhelming and you stop and wonder how you ever managed to be fortunate enough to feel it, to embrace it, to fall under the weight of it.

Sometimes, a love in your life feels so burdensome and you can’t express how utterly divine and soul-encasing and spiritually uplifting the audacity of it feels, how much it expands you and stretches you and practically divides every limitation of Self you imagine you have.

Sometimes, a love in your life feels so expansive you ponder how you could survive it and then you remember that love does not exist to be survived.

Love should consume you.

Love should eat you up, digest you properly, and when you think are resting in the bowels of it all, love should spit you back out.

Love should make you shine brighter, laugh harder, see clearer, and break you apart so that you remember that you are really nothing more than a heartbeat manifest.

Love is a trial, a possession, an encumbrance worth everything you never thought mattered.

Love is the only thing worth doing in this life. It is heavy and hard, yet light and soft. It will change everything, demolish all you thought you knew, and leave you on your knees falling toward your back. You never knew helplessness could feel so empowering.

Love is so precious, it is so magnificent, it is so worthy of everything you have, are, and desire.

Love hard, love perceptibly, love loud, love so big that it sends shudders up God’s spine.

You are so worthy of loving like this and loving like that. So worthy of being loved like this and being loved like that.

You are so worthy.

self

It’s funny how the things that happen to us shape us. Whether we want them to or not, the things that happen to us form us into ourselves. We can never be separate from those situations and events. We carry them in our cells, in our thinking patterns, in our postures, in our relationships.

All humans are are the combinations of situations and bodies bumping up against the situation-body combo of each other.

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the enemy is within?

Last night, I came across this article about a TED Talk that went viral at some point. In it, a neuroanatomist shares her insights following a stroke. So, a person who studies the brain extensively suffers a brain injury and lives to share her experience. It’s pretty rad as a concept, yeah?

You can read the article and watch her popular TED Talk here.

I’m not here to talk about her or her TED Talk. I’m here to talk about the article about her and her TED Talk.

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self-realization

It’s not the best feeling when you realize that you’re in your 40s and haven’t really accomplished much. Especially when you are someone who values accomplishment.

Now, that doesn’t mean you feel guilt or shame or feel as if you haven’t done anything with your life. Of course, you have. You have done BIG things: had children, raised children, married, divorced, returned to college, obtained certified knowledge. But there’s still a stillness inside you that feels like it should be called a void.

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