lightbeing

they say
the brokenness is where
the light gets in
but
you only ever looked at
darkness
with the wrong eyes.

the wound is where
the
light
escapes
dont be so quick to
heal.

you have waited your
entire
life
for moments such as
these
and
they
dont come often or
easy
how lucky for
you
that you have
broken
into so
many
pieces!
gaze upon the
light
escaping to the dark places
of the world
and
remember
what you are.

star light cannot be contained
forever
and you
my beloved
are star in human form,
containing every element
every state.
the craters
the highs
the valleys
the mountains
they are not enough encumbrance
for
the terrain of
you
was not created for
earth
alone.

the cracks are where
the light
escapes
and you bemoan
only because you have forgotten
what
you
are
stars share their light
long after they are
gone
and covet not the
illusions
of labor and intention.

your light burns
hot
and singes
what you believe to be
you
dont scar too quickly
and believe me when i tell you that
the wound is where the
light
escapes
and we delight
in your
brightness.

parenting teens without breaking down

Once upon a time, I gave birth to four humans within five years, one at a time. It was a ton of fun and I completely immersed myself  in my mothering role. I loved that no day was ever the same, as I am easily bored in this life. Parenting four, young children day-in and day-out rarely bored me and I spent the time doing a lot of healing from my own childhood.

I remember standing in my kitchen when the youngest of the four was around age one and thinking to myself I cannot wait until they are teenagers! I will have four teens at the same time! I can’t wait to see what they try to get away with and what they think they know! To say that parenting was my jam would be a gross understatement.

But, then, I actually had teenagers. Continue reading

7 habits to cultivate healing from trauma

Life is all about habits.

We can become habituated to anything. ANY. THING.

Many of us have become habituated to dysfunction and abuse. Our society acts like these things are fringe social issues, but they are, in fact, the norm. I’ve never met a single woman or man who wasn’t abused or traumatized in some way.

Have you?

As someone who considers herself a Healer, I attract people who may be perceived as broken. I have attracted “broken” people all my life, even before I realized I had a gift for serving those who need it most. At times, I have resented this calling. Being a Healer often means you have to suffer, just so you can internalize and truly empathize with what you have been called to heal. Experience is a wonderful and profound teacher.

Not all Healers have dealt with their own trauma, though. I have met, unfortunately, many Healers who still don’t understand their self-worth, who still don’t understand that they are inherently worthy of the best life has to offer. They became habituated to suffering and never saw themselves as worthy of the freedom they so desperately wanted to share with others.

I don’t think you can share what you don’t even have.

For years, I supported women, but I still had my own work to do and I knew that. I hesitated to be put on a pedestal and I refused success when it tried to befriend me. I just don’t believe in doing anything halfway, you know?

Eventually, I embodied the reality of Abundance in such a way that I just couldn’t jive with suffering, anymore. Like…it doesn’t stick AT ALL. When I’m around people doing great civic work and I see that they are still operating from a fear and scarcity mindset, I realize they are still habituated to suffering. And, I walk away.

To some, this looks callous. To some, this looks like I have my head in the clouds. But the truth is that I know for a fact that Life Is Beautiful. And, I am worthy of all that beauty. Sure, there is crap out there. I know. I have survived a lot of it, myself. But there is also beauty.

I can turn my head and look at what I want to look at. So can you.

If you’re struggling with the habit of feeling traumatized, here are a few steps to help you on your healing journey. We have all been there, my friend. But we don’t have to live there.

1. Walk away. That’s right. Walk away. When something isn’t serving you, when something makes you feel bad, you walk away from it. Distance yourself. Physical distance is best, if you can manage it, but psychological and emotional distance is good, too. Learn when to tell yourself, “This isn’t for me.” And, then leave it where you found it.

2. Focus on gratitude. Crap happens to all of us. But just because something happened doesn’t mean we have to give it a lot of space in our minds. I’m not saying pretend it didn’t happen or distract yourself with mindless games. I’m saying distract yourself with a sense of gratefulness, because just like the bad things that happened, there have been good things. Even if you can only think of one good thing that happened today (and maybe it wasn’t “I woke up”), that one good thing is still a GOOD THING.

3. Meditate on love. Love will change your life. It will change everything about how you view the world. Sit and just think about love. Think about how you feel when you love. Think about how you would like to feel. Maybe you’ve never felt loved before. Imagine what feeling loved would feel like and then…

4. Love yourself radically. Don’t just normally love yourself. GO BIG OR GO HOME. Like, seriously. Say nice, loving things to yourself out loud…no matter where you are. Include others in it. “We look FABULOUS today!” Buy yourself gifts. Literally litter your home with trinkets so that when you see what you’ve bought, you bring a smile to your own face. Get cute every day so that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you like what you see. If you need to make wardrobe or other changes, DO IT. You are the most important thing in your life. Act like it.

5. Change your environment. Okay, you’ve walked away from the messy folks, the folks who bring you down, the folks who are generally miserable. Now, you need to work on bringing positive vibes into your spaces. Put up artwork that makes you feel all good-tingly inside. If you love being on social media, follow a bunch of positive sites…even if you feel like it’s ridiculous. If they’re talking about Law of Attraction stuff, even better. You know why? Because…

6. Remember that Like Attracts Like. I know, I know. You’ve always heard that opposites attract. That’s gotta be why you’re always in dysfunctional relationships, right? Wrong. Because opposites don’t attract unless you’re a magnet. You’re a human. With humans, similars attract. You have got to look at what is going on within you that is attracted to harmful people and situations. You have become habituated to dysfunction and you can become habituated to health. Whenever you find yourself drawn to something or someone, ask yourself why. “Is this a reflection of who I am? Is this a reflection of who I want to be?” Your life is a mirror.

7. Forgive yourself. Maybe you can’t forgive your abusers. Maybe you can’t forgive a certain situation or a certain person. But you can forgive yourself. A lot of us get stuck in the habit of dysfunction as a way of subconsciously punishing ourselves for past mistakes in judgment (even if we were too young to have really made a mistake). It’s not your job to punish yourself; it’s your job to love yourself. And, forgiving you for being a mistaken person in the past (even if that past was 5 seconds ago) is a HUGE part of loving yourself.

It’s possible you’ve never been told this before, so let me tell you, now:

You are precious and worthy of the best life has to offer.

If you need to, print that out and tape it somewhere you can read it several times a day. It’s the truth. And, you are amazing for making it this far in such a challenging world. Kudos!

sunglasses were once called sun blockers

I don’t want to bond with you over
racism
and
misogyny
and
abuse stories
and still
I’d like to be able to share
our stories
without allowing
our stories
to define us.
I don’t want to bond with you over
the fucked up things someone
did to you
said to you
forced you to do
and still
I’d like you to feel
safe
sharing your stories with me.
At the end of the day
you are
not
those stories.
The story of
who you are
is not
contained
within the confines of
what has happened
to you.
That is just a
lens.
You can take lenses off.
You can take lenses off.
When you look at me
and I share
my stories,
I will look at you,
too,
and then,
if you’re up for it,
let’s take our lenses off
together.
That’s the power of
story.

mijas

I admit that I don’t have the best track record with my daughters at age 8. They seem to bloom into hormonal rage at the drop of a hat and I return the volley to the best of my abilities. Afterward, sometimes in the midst, I am shocked by my own vitriol.

Then, they cry. And, I want to cry, too, but I can’t show weakness or maybe the tenuous grasp I have on the ability to influence them disintegrates. I am stuck in an age-old vortex of confusion and they are warriors, like me. It could be a fight to the death.

So, I bend. I bend and wind around them like an invasive vine, wrapping them in my arms, disguising myself as every ounce of love I carry for them.

The mother-daughter connection sometimes feels as if it will snap in two, yet it endures. And, as I bring my daughter back into the space of her first earthly home, love envelopes us both.

They say Sekhmet, they say Kali was so enraged that they had to intoxicate her through the blood to bring her back to her senses. Perhaps that is the patriarchal re-telling. It’s more likely that her daughters grabbed onto her waist, tightened their grasp in a fit of love, and the rage simply left her body.

Daughters are the antidote to everything that ails a mother.

you are

Sometimes, a love in your life feels overwhelming and you stop and wonder how you ever managed to be fortunate enough to feel it, to embrace it, to fall under the weight of it.

Sometimes, a love in your life feels so burdensome and you can’t express how utterly divine and soul-encasing and spiritually uplifting the audacity of it feels, how much it expands you and stretches you and practically divides every limitation of Self you imagine you have.

Sometimes, a love in your life feels so expansive you ponder how you could survive it and then you remember that love does not exist to be survived.

Love should consume you.

Love should eat you up, digest you properly, and when you think are resting in the bowels of it all, love should spit you back out.

Love should make you shine brighter, laugh harder, see clearer, and break you apart so that you remember that you are really nothing more than a heartbeat manifest.

Love is a trial, a possession, an encumbrance worth everything you never thought mattered.

Love is the only thing worth doing in this life. It is heavy and hard, yet light and soft. It will change everything, demolish all you thought you knew, and leave you on your knees falling toward your back. You never knew helplessness could feel so empowering.

Love is so precious, it is so magnificent, it is so worthy of everything you have, are, and desire.

Love hard, love perceptibly, love loud, love so big that it sends shudders up God’s spine.

You are so worthy of loving like this and loving like that. So worthy of being loved like this and being loved like that.

You are so worthy.