cue the Scorpios

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to be me and what it means to navigate how people interact with this being we all call me.

As a Scorpio Sun, I got used to being a polarizing force in the world. It took me a while to acknowledge that certain things just aren’t really about us personally. There’s a certain vibration that we came into the world with and that vibration doesn’t always align easily with the vibrations of those around us.

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you probably know that. If you’ve been pregnant multiple times, you probably had a pregnancy or two where you didn’t feel like yourself. You were different, you felt different. It’s like you changed personalities. That’s the power of having another being forming inside your body. Your energies are contained in the same space and they aren’t always a vibrational match. It happens.

This happens with all relationships. Maybe when you met each other, you vibed. But, over time (sometimes just a few hours or days!), you stopped vibin’. You felt that you were out of sync. It can feel disheartening, annoying, frustrating to feel out of sync with someone. From those feelings, maybe you try to change yourself so that you’re back in vibrational alignment with that person. Maybe you just move on.

The thing about having babies is that that vibration comes out of your body and you still have to deal with it. For at least 18 more years, if you’re lucky.

That’s why parenting can feel like the hardest work ever. It’s the relationship that NEVER ends, even if someone dies or becomes estranged. You carry it around with you; you walk within it like a sack. So many good Scorpionic analogies for this sack. Embryonic sack? Body bag? Like, whatever floats your boat. Some days, it’s one. Some days, it’s the other. Some kids feel more like death than life. I’m just sayin’… life is whatever. Vibrations come. Thoughts come. We don’t have to get stuck in a particular vibrational relationship, but so often we do. Sometimes, it feels like body wading through almost dry mud in the desert to be in relationship with someone… even one’s own child.

You honor it, you feel it, and, if you’re able, you shift out of it. Maybe just to shift back into it at another time.

That’s how energy works. It just moves. It’s only a problem when it gets stuck. Even then, it’s not the energy that’s the problem… whatever is blocking the energy or causing you to feel stuck is the issue. Unless you enjoy feeling stuck. Some folks do. I’m not here to disparage your tendencies. I’m just here to get you to look at them. Navel gazing is work, too.

Parents also affect the vibrations of their kids. Maybe you gave birth to an amazingly dynamic being who was really fluid in identity, but your own identity problems have you messing up your kid’s relationship with identity. It happens every day. We have influence and impact, and not always in the ways that feel beneficial in the long-run.

I’ve had people (women, really) stop being in my life because my energy felt too motherly to them. I’ve had people (men, really) get angry with me for rejecting them because they were actually looking for a mother, not a friend or other mutually satisfying healthy arrangement.

At the end of the day, each of us is really only interacting with the aspects of ourselves that we see reflected in others, whether that’s for ick or yum. I’ve been questioning how true that statement is and I just keep coming up with IT IS TRUE OMG WHY IS THAT SO TRUUUUUUEEEEE. Because I can only really see the parts of you that I have experience with.

Have you heard the story of how when Christopher Columbus came to this part of the planet (North America), at first the Indigenous folks couldn’t see the ships? They had no frame of reference for ships, so they could see that the wave patterns in the ocean were weird and they’d stare at the ocean trying to figure out what was going on, but they literally couldn’t see the ships that were causing the patterns. Isn’t that AMAZING?

And, that’s how we all are. We can’t see what we have no frame of reference for.

Cue the Scorpios. We provide a frame of reference, an experience, that people sometimes (often?) aren’t ready for… “good” or “bad”. And, that seeing can feel icky at times. And, folks get mad at us. I don’t blame them. We can feel like an astrological burden.

But, at the end of the day, wouldn’t you rather know than not know? (Some of y’all are like… NO! Which is why you’re here.)

Seriously, though… life is SO BEAUTIFUL. Even the ugly parts offer a much desired contrast. Let the polarizing aspects of others shine a light on the polarizing aspects of yourself. Let your dislikes shake you up and make room for more beauty in your life.

Death = Life. Life = Death. It really is like that.

Now, why am I sharing all this? Today is Inauguration Day in the USA. Too many Americans are angry; too many Americans are relieved. Those energies will not shift anything.

This is the time to let the darkness illuminate for us just how dark things have been. This is the time to feel blinded by the light and recognize that we are not walking toward it. Don’t become docile in the face of moving forward 1/2 a step after falling down a flight of stairs.

We are living in a truly Scorpionic moment in time. Channel your inner Scorpio. Become willing to be polarizing, as long as you know you are operating from Truth and Love (and the more significant of these is Love). Stop allowing a little good to placate you. Demand more good. Demand more justice. Demand more shutting up of the stupid people around you who want to let the American standard remain low.

This is our country. Find your inner Scorpio and push your way to the front of the line of folks who don’t know their worth. And, then turn around at the front of the line and shout something Scorpionic like: HEY! Y’ALL ARE GOING TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE IF I GOTTA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROATS!

Cuz sometimes people don’t even know that’s an option. Not really. Not these days.

Join us polarizing Scorpios. We don’t care about your feelings, because we know feelings are just energy. They change.

And, so can this country. Because this country is comprised of you.

***fine print: When you get to the Kali portion of the Scorpionic journey, please make sure you have a Taurean friend with you. They’re the only ones stubborn and forceful and heavy enough to knock a Scorpio over and keep the energy having sex instead of causing wholesale destruction. If you see someone exercising long-term Scorpionic authority without a cow (Taurus) nearby, run. Everyone is about to die. Balance is key, folks!***

sometimes, love feels heavy

I have been thinking a lot about relationships.

Relationships are a part of life and I love relationships… in theory. In my personal life, relationships have astonished me with how messy they are. I’ve often been able to visualize healthier ways for situations to go, but in the moment of contrast, things can get pretty strange and uncomfortable.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us are walking in active trauma. From that active trauma, we’re trying to create relationships that feel beautiful and nourishing and safe.

But, love isn’t safe.

As someone who tends to love “too much”, I’ve been surprised by certain invitations to heartbreak. Friends have been less than friendly, children have been less than child-like. Relationships are intense and amazing and tricky. If you are someone who wants and encourages people to be their full self in relationship with you, you have to hold space for the fact that sometimes that “full self” wants nothing to do with you and your desires around relationship.

In this season of my life, I’m aware that love isn’t safe. I don’t have to blinded by love in order deal with someone’s less than stellar attributes. I can see the person clearly, with all their faults, and still love them and accept them.

But, not everyone is in that space. And, the part of relationships that I’ve been noticing and working with over the past decade is being able to endure the limitations people in my life have around love and not letting it diminish either my light or my love.

For most of my life, I was surrounded by people who viewed love as a transaction. Transactional love encompasses a lot of limitations, as it is rooted in a normalization of deficiency. What happens when you don’t agree that love has anything to do with deficiency?

The typical human being may use love as a tool rather than a way of being. When love is conceptualized as a tool, it will too often be used as a weapon. Don’t allow that reality to dominate your awareness of what love is really about.

Love is abundance and not everyone feels they can carry abundance around. They don’t yet understand that abundance isn’t supposed to be carried. It’s not something you do, it’s something that simply is. It’s not something you choose, it’s reality.

This is why, now, when someone cannot tolerate my love, cannot meet my love with love, I don’t question what I did wrong. I don’t wallow in guilt or shame, confusion or depression. Instead, I continue to walk in love, ready for the next person I come across. And, ready for when that person who rejected me is ready to come back and try, again.

True love is like a light; it is a light. It shines, and its shine is not diminished by the blindness of the person encountering it.

My only prayer is that the blind person is able to see soon and that I am thankful that I was once blind and now can see. Love can feel heavy and blinding when we don’t yet understand what it really is. But, that’s okay. Those of us who know will keep shining.

[untitled]

i am loving and beautiful,

gathered from dewy moss

and agate

construed of misconceptions

and delight;

i am loving and beautiful,

amassed of a weightlessness similar to that of

light,

a heaviness saturated with

darkness and

the satisfaction of invisibility;

I am loving and beautiful,

fertile soil for half-germinated beginnings

and

gravel for virgin soles.

I am loving and beautiful,

and you will

adore me for it

all.

phenomenal

According to an Oxford dictionary, the word “phenomenal” has 2 main definitions or uses.

very remarkable; extra-ordinary

and

perceptible by the senses or through immediate experience

I find this fascinating!

Ordinarily, we might assume that something perceived through our senses isn’t remarkable, but if we think, again, it certainly is. The fact that we can perceive anything at all is an extra-ordinary feat.

This morning, I heard my teacher use “phenomenal” the second way and it struck me how significant it is to be able to perceive our world and our selves, at all. When we focus upon awareness and live our lives from a space of observation rather than dominance and control, we find that almost every, little thing in this life is remarkable. We become like little children, delighting in everything we perceive because it’s all new to us. Every interaction becomes a new and beautiful and wonder-full event in our lives!

This is my favorite aspect of living with young children, especially toddlers. We have the opportunity to refresh our minds and our thoughts, because they bring to our awareness that everything is amazing! Every aspect of life is mind-blowing!

Thankfully, we can draw this energy to ourselves every day, even without toddlers running about. It’s truly phenomenal.

make magic

I hope this day finds you crying.

Crying out in laughter, tears streaming down your howling face.

Crying with tears of love, your heart radiating so brightly it hides the sun in the sky.

Cry tears of grief that leave room for the sweetness you missed while lamenting the bitters.

Cry out in the pain of birthing a new you, stomping upon fallen, wet leaves within the forest of your mind.

May you leave your mind and find a space that calls out for your voice, your tears creating new rivers and oceans, like the Mothers of olde.

Surely, you realize this Earth is no mistake. She exists because women like you, women with their tears and love and anguish and joy, have always existed.

Thank you for continuing the tradition of crying, for tears contain salt and salt has always been a healer and cleanser.

The salt of this Earth is women like you.

You, woman.

end/beginning

We are coming upon a time that some of humanity’s peoples traditionally thought of as the ending of one year and the beginning of another. The time to reap and harvest was perceived as a reasonable beginning point for time.

Other peoples perceived Spring to be a good time to begin the new year, as Mama Earth was awakening.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the differences between a life lived from a sense of personal control (harvest) and a life lived from natural abundance (Spring). I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how agrarian cultures lose their connection to the Divine through their worship of their own achievements, even though that was not the original practice.

We live in an agrarian culture. Or, at least, a culture that was formed during an agrarian period.

I often wonder how that’s serving us.

If it’s not serving us, anymore… Have we picked up something better? Are the expectations we are currently normalizing and cultivating an improvement? Or are we disconnected further?

Time will tell. Perhaps this month. Perhaps in March.

photo courtesy of Mother Earth and Aaron Burden

pray not prey

What if every word we utter is a prayer? (And, it is.)

What are you praying for? The Divine loves you so much that your devoted wish is practically a command.

Know, then, that your words matter.

Know, then, that “no” is just as much a conviction as “yes”.

So many people will tell you that the Universe doesn’t hear “no”. If you repeat, “Not this. Not this. Not this.”, they say the Universe only hears, “This. This. This.”

Blasphemy.

When have the Universe and the Divine not been One? And, the Divine hears and honors all “no”s. All of them.

The problem isn’t the “no”. The “no” is perfect. Perfectly whole. But, not perfectly complete.

The Divine works in completion.

So, while “Not this” is a perfectly whole prayer, it is not a complete player.

The Universe works in completion.

There is no lack of movement in the Universe. You can stop. For a time, you can stop. But, there must be some movement in a direction after stopping.

All stops are pauses.

And, the movement after the stop, after the pause… you get to decide the direction. But, if you have not chosen a direction, you will feel like the Universe has only heard “This” when you said “Not this.”

This is the beauty of living.

You are in control. You don’t have total control, because this life is generous to ALL of us. Simultaneously, all of us are co-creating, generating, praying.

Do you know you’re praying? Do you know your whispers are written in triplicate, copied a billion times over for the benefit of all?

When you know, do you change your words? Do you shift your utterances, lifting all of humanity in a verbal embrace?

Words are prayers of healing.

How many of us are healing by death?

the peace pilgrim

I never think of myself as protesting against something, but rather as witnessing for harmonious living. Those who witness for, present solutions. Those who witness against, usually do not– they dwell on what is wrong, resorting to judgment and criticism and sometimes even name-calling.

Peace Pilgrim

gently, gently

How fragile are you?

This is an important question for human beings to ask themselves, if they intend to move beyond the limitations to which they’ve been socialized.

How fragile are you?

So many of us want people to be gentle with their correction. We have normalized an idea that we perform better as humans when people are tender with us. Is that true? Or is it a symptom of the normalization of trauma?

How fragile are you?

Societies that have normalized violation and violence (same thing) create people who constantly feel violated and oppressed. This is to be expected, but it’s not the only kind of people created. Because societies are the larger culture and families are the smaller culture in which people are socialized, family culture can transmute the more harmful societal norms and keep people from internalizing them too deeply.

How fragile are you?

What did your family teach you about power? Did it teach you that other people have more of it than you? Did it teach you that everyone has power and it is possible to take the power of others? Did it teach you that power is shared? or that power is synonymous with capital? There are so many lessons that we learn about power and, simultaneously, powerlessness.

How fragile are you?

Here’s a tip: human beings are created to enter this world through a trip through a vagina. We are formed in the womb in a way that gives us the ability to shift and be squeezed through a hole that widens to a 10cm radius. Not 10 inches. 10cm.

How fragile are you?

Could you possibly be more fragile now than you were at birth?

Perhaps it’s time to stop nursing your fragility. Life is not gentle. Beautiful, yes. Gentle, no. Birth teaches us that. We can fall into alignment with life and be beautiful ourselves, but we won’t be gentle. Gentle is not the opposite of violation. Gentleness is completely subjective. It is a sensory experience and no one can predict how your senses operate.

When I ask you to be gentle with me, I am asking you to prioritize your assumption about how I will feel about something. There are times for this approach, but it’s always rooted in fear.

How fragile are you?

Only as fragile as you allow fear to convince you you are.

Here’s another tip: Being conditioned to weakness does not make you fragile or requiring of gentleness. Strength is not a fact; strength is a perception.

photo courtesy of Lubo Minar on unsplash